Jackie Logan

As I grew up I thought affairs were terrible and I had nothing but contempt for people who had affairs. Since growing up and experiencing a few relationships I guess I’ve become quite cynical but now I’m nowhere near as judgemental when it comes to affairs. I still like to think that I’d never personally cheat but I now truly believe there is always a reason behind the infidelity and it is very often a ‘weak’ way of getting out of a dead-beat relationship or a cry for help into fixing a flagging relationship.

My friend Maria recently told me she’s been having an affair for the past eight months and she believes it has been worth all the lies and deception. The guy is an ex of her sister’s so she’s known him a good few years and she told me they have a strong connection fuelled by passion. He makes her feel like she did in the beginning with her husband so in her eyes he is filling a void in her life that her husband no longer can. She still loves her husband and children so she intends to end the affair soon and she believes the happy memories will help reignite the passion in her relationship with her husband. I however am not so sure. I think she will find it pretty hard ending the affair and she could then go on to resent her husband for what he is not. She has also been talking about extending her family and after a bad bout of postnatal depression the last time, I think she’d be a prime candidate for an even worse case with baby number two. Not to mention the big question of ‘Who’s the daddy?’

Another friend has just made the bombshell discovery that her partner has been cheating and she is so devastated that I actually feared for her life. She is slowly getting stronger but the trust has gone completely although she desperately wants to piece her marriage back together she has become a shadow of the woman I once knew and her self-esteem is in smithereens. I’ve advised her to take a holiday and some time out for herself but with four kids and a business she doesn’t have the time or the energy to even think about washing her hair, nevermind taking a full on break from the world.

photo credit: Foxtongue

I met a guy online eight months ago and it’s been great, we’ve got loads in common and our sex life is great. When we were first getting to know each other over the net he admitted to me that he’s bisexual, however, I haven’t really considered it an issue since we’ve been having such a great time together. Last week he admmitted he’s been sleeping with a guy from his work and I feel devastated. He has always been honest with me but I don’t want to share him, especially with another man as to be honest it really turns my stomach.

Agony Auntie’s Reply…

There’s bisexuality and then there’s exclusivity. Is he just being greedy? Great, he enjoys sex with men and women. But he needs to go out with someone who agrees to an open relationship, or he should commit to you and just get himself some gay porn. If he’s not prepared to change, there’s only one thing you can do… call it a day. In my opinion, he will probably end up being more gay than bi. On the whole, it’s usually a case of ‘bi now, gay later’. As the thought of him being gay seriously disgusts you, I suggest you finish with him and find a fully-straight guy you can be passionate with. There are millions more where he came from on the internet.

A question I wonder about more and more is whether or not first date sex really makes a terrible impression on the guy? I’ve found that I’ve gone on a number of first dates that have involved lots of alcohol which very often ends between the sheets. If I’m sleeping with a guy before I get to know him properly am I ruining my chances of a ‘happily-ever-after’ love affair? Sometimes I do feel used afterwards, even if the sex has been filled with passion and desire and although some have led on to short term relationships and not just one-night-stands, I still wonder if it’s a turn-off.

Agony-Aunt Replies:

All relationships have to start somewhere and if sex on a first date really precluded the possibility of a proper relationship then there would be far fewer marriages in this world. If you meet a guy you ticks all the right boxes, delaying intimacy is nothing more than calculated masochism. At the end of the day you are admitting to one another that you find each other attractive so one box has been ticked & although it may bring lots of other ‘worries & questions’ at least you can rest assured that your attraction has not been a problem.

While there is a lot to be said for building up the level of anticipation by waiting a while, physical intimacy and getting to know someone are not mutually exclusive. Pillow talk or an hour on MSN is often more revealing than banter exchanged over dinner and let’s face it, if you are going to have a relationship with a guy; you need to know that you are physically as well as mentally compatible. Forget this ‘no sex before marriage’ malarkey!

If you were male you would not worry about indulging your urges, but double standards mean that women who don’t want to be branded ‘easy’ feel they have to tip-toe through several dates before they give it up. This is the 21st century for goodness sake! The old adage that a man who ‘really respects you’ will wait is a load of old baloney. While a couple who get together in their pension drawing days may happily wait to get to know each other better, most testosterone fuelled 27-year-olds would not.

Try to keep things in perspective. You don’t feel lonely because you have had one-night stands - you feel lonely because you have not found your soul mate yet.

Don’t become fixed on looking for Mr. Right. As long as you stay relatively sober & safe (over 50% of women on a first date don’t use a condom) you can go about finding the right relationship for you in any way you damn well want.

Internet Dating is a fantastic way to do it because by the time you reach the official ‘First Date’ you already know each other pretty well through your various means of communication so if you do end up in bed together you have less to feel guilty about.

photo credit: tanakawho